I honestly don’t understand the modern public restroom. Are there people who have dedicated their lives to improving the ergonomics and efficiencies of eliminating in shared spaces? Not only is this a sad existence, but it’s not working, nor is it wanted.
My new office has a really fancy, completely automated restroom. I hate everything about it. The autoflush will inexplicably kick in mid-deuce but then not function until after you’ve left the stall and come back to press the little button. I understand that autoflush is supposed to be more sanitary, but how is all this splashback on my ass sanitary at all? And while I’m on the topic of sanitation…do you know about the newer toilet seat shape, Internets? Because I don’t like it at all. I don’t know who it’s designed for. Someone with a skinny, narrow ass, I guess. In an attempt to be ergonomic (I can only assume), the seat has contours–yes, CONTOURS–that effectively press your asscheeks together instead of, you know, spreading them apart. No household toilet is like this. We get nice wide U-shaped toilet seats that help gravity and the old lower colon right along. What about a public restroom is different that the sides of the seat are a whole six inches apart and are built for the ass and upper thighs of a 7 foot tall anorexic? Is it to better hold the ass gasket? Because, a) those things are a waste of time, and b) no way would that ever outweigh the mess that the squeezed together toilet seat makes of doing one’s business.
And if you can somehow make it out of the stall without crap smeared between your asscheeks and bits of toilet water on the backs of your thighs, you have to confront the auto-dispensing washing station. The FUCK. Now I can’t be trusted to measure out my own hand soap?? I get about a dime’s sized portion of diluted fancy foam soap, half of which gets all over the sink and counter (and don’t try to splash water on it; that only gets you more foam soap), and then a good 8 second wait in between helpings of this shit. So not only has the ergonomic, super sanitary toilet made a giant mess out of a simple mid-morning BM, but I can’t even effectively clean my hands and get back to work now? What should take me 3 minutes ends up taking up my entire morning break. And someone intentionally designed this bathroom!
It’s only a matter of time before they put in the automated paper towel dispensers. I rue the day.
